I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
