cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
