I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize