Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
