i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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