Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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