my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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