During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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