idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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