ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
