You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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