i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
