I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
