I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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