cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
