My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
