New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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