if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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