you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
