Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
