So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
