I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
