I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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