So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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