He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
