at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Pooping to opera.
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