he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just invented taco cereal.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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