If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
