I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
