I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
