What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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