Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
