found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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