I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
