got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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