One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
