i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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