Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
