I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
