im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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