He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Found the puke drawer
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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