We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Randomize
