So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
