shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I look better un-naked...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
