Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
