My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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