Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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