I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
