I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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