Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize