I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
