Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My feet surprised me
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