She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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