Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
