On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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