Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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