just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
