Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
